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president obama supported-- the uprising, correct? >> president obama wants to-- once said he wants everybody in america to go to college. what a snob! >> oops. >> jon: oh, right. that concludes our segment "mitt romney is the s.e.c.-luckiest dude on the planet." to physics, right? so, explain this. how can something get bigger.. and smaller? there's more of it.. and less of it? well, i guess the laws of physics are more like.. general guidelines. welcome back! my guest tonight is the reigning king of jordan. welcome back to the program king abdullaabdull abdullah ii. (cheers and applause) thank you so much for being here again. i just wanted to let you know as an emissary of the united states our president, i know, was scheduled to meet with you today. (laughter) he was not doing a stupid t.v. show. (laughter) he was very busy with strategic-- meetings. (laughter) whoopi goldbergstan, i believe it is. >> i heard. >> jon: that the talk of-- you were at the u.n. today. does anyone-- is there any discussion amongst world leaders about t
president obama supported-- the uprising, correct? >> president obama wants to-- once said he wants everybody in america to go to college. what a snob! >> oops. >> jon: oh, right. that concludes our segment "mitt romney is the s.e.c.-luckiest dude on the planet." to physics, right? so, explain this. how can something get bigger.. and smaller? there's more of it.. and less of it? well, i guess the laws of physics are more like.. general guidelines. welcome back! my...
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president obama supported-- the uprising, correct? >> president obama wants to-- once said he wants everybody in america to go to college. what a snob! >> oops. >> jon: oh, right. that concludes our segment "mitt romney is the s.e.c.-luckiest dude on the planet." ears are weird. i don't know what shape that is .. but it's not round. so why would headphones be round? they should be shaped like this.. 'earshaped'. you know .. so they fit in your ears. [ male announcer ] navigating your future can be daunting without a financial plan. at pacific life, we can give you the tools to help you achieve financial independence. for more than 140 years, pacific life has assisted families and businesses in meeting their goals, even in uncertain economic times. let us help protect the things that you work so hard for. to find out how, visit pacificlife.com. ♪ >> stephen: my guest tonights the 42nd president of the united states. the annual initiative quicks off this thursday, please welcome back to the program president bill clinton. (cheers and
president obama supported-- the uprising, correct? >> president obama wants to-- once said he wants everybody in america to go to college. what a snob! >> oops. >> jon: oh, right. that concludes our segment "mitt romney is the s.e.c.-luckiest dude on the planet." ears are weird. i don't know what shape that is .. but it's not round. so why would headphones be round? they should be shaped like this.. 'earshaped'. you know .. so they fit in your ears. [ male announcer...
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Sep 25, 2012
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but my rage goes straight at barack obama. you see, his buddies in the press are trying to make this crisis about mitt romney. who on the day of the a attacks courageously vowed not to campaign on 9/11. >> there is a time and place for that. but this day is not that. >> stephen: no. that day was not that. (laughter) turns out, that night was that. jim. >> governor mitt romney just releasing this statement. it's disgraceful that the obama administration's first response was not to condemn attacks on our diplomatic missions but to sympathize with those who waged attacks. >> stephen: how dare obama sympathize with the attackers. he should have stood up against them like mitt romney did by attacking our president. (laughter) now it turns out, folks, when romney attacked him, obama hadn't said anything yet. (laughter) mitt was talking about a brief statement condemning religious bigotry put out on the web site of the cairo embassy before the attacks ever happened. so of course there came a barrage of attacks from the liberal media
but my rage goes straight at barack obama. you see, his buddies in the press are trying to make this crisis about mitt romney. who on the day of the a attacks courageously vowed not to campaign on 9/11. >> there is a time and place for that. but this day is not that. >> stephen: no. that day was not that. (laughter) turns out, that night was that. jim. >> governor mitt romney just releasing this statement. it's disgraceful that the obama administration's first response was not...
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barack obama! and when america needed him most, who got us rolling again on the road to recovery? >> barack obama! >> let me ask you this, people, who couldn't get laid in a whore house with a fist full of hundreds? barack obama! >> that's my favorite am way presentation ever. >> all right, i get it time honored tradition to attach down expectations to make a slight win. >> here is great news for republicans, we have a candidate who is going to do extraordinarily well on wednesday night, oh (bleep) we have a runner! we have a runner! >> what are you doing, christi? apparently new jersey governor chris christie didn't get the memo that romney sucks at this. >> i think you will see the numbers start to move right back in the other direction. >> in whole race will be turned upside down come thursday morning. >> what are you doing, christi? >> for god's sake if romney fails to meet those heavy expectations he will lose the general election creating chaos in the republican party and leave out 2016 -- oh
barack obama! and when america needed him most, who got us rolling again on the road to recovery? >> barack obama! >> let me ask you this, people, who couldn't get laid in a whore house with a fist full of hundreds? barack obama! >> that's my favorite am way presentation ever. >> all right, i get it time honored tradition to attach down expectations to make a slight win. >> here is great news for republicans, we have a candidate who is going to do extraordinarily...
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Sep 27, 2012
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this kind of bold vision from mitt romney, i am shocked that the latest "national journal" poll has obama leading romney by seven points! but folks there is no reason to panic. fox news will panic for you. (laughter) >> i think these polls in the battleground states understate romney's support. >> i don't believe that the polls really matter until the debates begin. >> i think one of the first times that we should look at the polls in real sincerity is after one or two of the debates. >> stephen: yeah! after one or two of the debates. mid-october. give it time. (laughter) the romney campaign is only on their third reboot since the convention! we've had businessman romney, foreign policy romney, latino romney. (laughter) but we still haven't seen aqua romney! (laughter and applause) he-- (cheers and applause) he uses his mental powers to tell fish that 47% of them are just lampreys. (laughter) so conservatives, just forget about the polls! it is way too soon to start mourning the death of the romney campaign. and i am not in denial here, because that would mean i was starting the five stag
this kind of bold vision from mitt romney, i am shocked that the latest "national journal" poll has obama leading romney by seven points! but folks there is no reason to panic. fox news will panic for you. (laughter) >> i think these polls in the battleground states understate romney's support. >> i don't believe that the polls really matter until the debates begin. >> i think one of the first times that we should look at the polls in real sincerity is after one or...
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barack obama. (laughter) oh, i have been warning you for years about his kowtowing to islamic extremists. well, now the chicken shawarma has come home to roost-- in a catastro-pita. during the past arab spring obama let radical imams lead an uprising against our radical friends in the middle east. >> you go back to the beginning of the arab spring and this administration did everything in its power to dislodge two key u.s. allies-- hosni mubarak and moammar qaddafi. knowing the replacements would be muslim brotherhood and other islamists. >> well, it's a new-- if they knew that i am angrier than i am now. >> stephen: oh my-- oh, my god! sean hannity is capable of being angrier at any given moment than he actually is at that moment! (laughter) he has torn a rift in the space-anger continuum! (laughter) folks, obama's complete lack of loyalty to our murderous dictator allies doesn't just enrage me-- and the loud hole at the top of sean hannity's neck-- it also is raising a red flag for texas congress
barack obama. (laughter) oh, i have been warning you for years about his kowtowing to islamic extremists. well, now the chicken shawarma has come home to roost-- in a catastro-pita. during the past arab spring obama let radical imams lead an uprising against our radical friends in the middle east. >> you go back to the beginning of the arab spring and this administration did everything in its power to dislodge two key u.s. allies-- hosni mubarak and moammar qaddafi. knowing the...
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how could obama let this happen! the iranians were at costco because tough economic sanctions have made it difficult for them to get hold of foreign goods or imported products. which explains why their leader has to wear members only jackets from 1982. (laughter) so folks, folks, at costco we have given them unfettered access to america's family pack technology. we'll never cripple their regime with economic isolation now that they have their own 200 count boxes of economy sized advil and bulk bins of nutter butter and great shrink wrap rafts of shrimp cup o noodles. you madmen, they will be able to hide their nuclear facilities inside their giant discarded barrels of kirkland coleslaw. (laughter) oh! oh, don't worry!, don't worry, you say, they don't have enriched uranium yet. well, you know what else costco sells? yellow cake. (laughter) a five pound box for 10.85. for 10.85 if you don't make nukes you're losing money. folks, these maniacs may deny the holocaust, but we have just laid the ground for a holocaustco.
how could obama let this happen! the iranians were at costco because tough economic sanctions have made it difficult for them to get hold of foreign goods or imported products. which explains why their leader has to wear members only jackets from 1982. (laughter) so folks, folks, at costco we have given them unfettered access to america's family pack technology. we'll never cripple their regime with economic isolation now that they have their own 200 count boxes of economy sized advil and bulk...
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obama didn't build that. obama is not cooking that up. >> i know. in some ways he is a success story, right. >> he is, he hasn't outsource to india. he is making it right in the good old usa. >> stephen: every season he expands. they are into europe now, right. >> they are into the czech republic, yeah. that is great market for him. >> yeah. >> stephen: i don't know. i don't really know much about the meth trade. now do you ever worry that by having such a successful show that you know kids watch the show. and they might you know, grow up to think it is sort of glamorous and attractive to be a chemistry teacher? going to get suck mood the dark world of education. >> the dark world of education that, i would be very pleased if that were the outcome. >> stephen: you write about this, did you dover it to see what it was like. >> no. we pay a pa to do that and then we-- . >> stephen: no! that is wrong. that is wrong. you get the interns to do it for free. (applause) when the series is over are you going to be glad to have the character out of your head.
obama didn't build that. obama is not cooking that up. >> i know. in some ways he is a success story, right. >> he is, he hasn't outsource to india. he is making it right in the good old usa. >> stephen: every season he expands. they are into europe now, right. >> they are into the czech republic, yeah. that is great market for him. >> yeah. >> stephen: i don't know. i don't really know much about the meth trade. now do you ever worry that by having such a...
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here's one from obama. the obama video is pertinent, but the romney video is a distraction. why? >> it features governor romney speaking to supporters at a fund-raiser way back in may. >> jon: oh, this video is from "way" back in may. may, oh, my god, that was like before june. [laughter] who even remembers may? "grandfather, may i sit on your knee and hear you tell a tale of what life was like way back in may?" [laughter] "well, timmy, hold on now. timmy, i remember it like it was yesterday. the iphone 5 was but a glimmer in the iphone 4s's eye. it was an incredible time." now in hannity's defense, four months is typically enough time for romney to radically change his position. by the way, what about this new very pertinent video of obama that fox has made hay of all day? when was that video recorded? >> that was recorded in 1998. >> jon: my god! that's more than 14 mays ago. [laughter] look, obviously bull [bleeped] mountain has many, i guess you would say peaks and valleys, nooks and crannies. you all know what bull [bleeped] looks like. look, why am i telling you people? let
here's one from obama. the obama video is pertinent, but the romney video is a distraction. why? >> it features governor romney speaking to supporters at a fund-raiser way back in may. >> jon: oh, this video is from "way" back in may. may, oh, my god, that was like before june. [laughter] who even remembers may? "grandfather, may i sit on your knee and hear you tell a tale of what life was like way back in may?" [laughter] "well, timmy, hold on now. timmy, i...
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(laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the university of tennessee frat members were caught butt-chugging wine. (laughter) that sounds like some drunk ass (bleep). (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
(laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the university of tennessee frat members were caught butt-chugging wine. (laughter) that sounds like some drunk ass (bleep). (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by...
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but you know the person really raping america's children is president obama with his unfunded mandates." (cheers and applause) for more on the n.f.l. labor dispute we go now to senior correspondent john oliver outside n.f.l. headquarters in new york. john, what is the status right now of the n.f.l. dispute? >> well! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> who families both alike in dignity, one the referee, the other the league of national football is locked in dispute ages old. oh fair referees! (laughter) shirts bestripes arms akimbo with only a flag and wheus toll examine desperation and fair n.f.l. battered but unbowed like henri at agincourt from this day to the ending of the world! (cheers and applause) but we shall be remembered. we few, we happy few, we band of brothers! (cheers and applause) >> jon: my god. my god. that's-- (cheers and applause) i'm just-- i'm sorry. it just-- holy (bleep)! i was just-- (laughter). john oliver, you have almost overnight improved exponentially. (laughter) john oliver, john oliver, you moved me. >> yes, 'tis i, john oliver in the flesh. (
but you know the person really raping america's children is president obama with his unfunded mandates." (cheers and applause) for more on the n.f.l. labor dispute we go now to senior correspondent john oliver outside n.f.l. headquarters in new york. john, what is the status right now of the n.f.l. dispute? >> well! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> who families both alike in dignity, one the referee, the other the league of national football is locked in dispute...